the zhaf speaks

Tuesday, December 28, 2004:

guffaw

"obstacles are the frightful things you see when you lose sight of your goals"
more than ever they resonate in my head. i might add that more often than not obstacles are self-created, self-imposed even. move on, change the method, guess it's about time. thanks loads joseph.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 12:15 pm

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Sunday, December 26, 2004:

somewhat clearer now

though holding no religious significance to me whatsoever, xmas is still a time of the year i hold absolutely sacred. cut through the facade of mass consumerism and hype, it remains as always a perfectly good excuse to celebrate friendship and some of the best parts of the human spirit. old friendships strengthened, which God-willing will be with me in the long months and years ahead. new friendships ever widening my horizons, a kaleidoscope of experiences to savour, to be merrily amused by, to frown upon at times and as always, to exalt in.

strip it all bare, take away the maelstrom furiously rampaging around me and there you have it, me. the me whom i see in the mirror. me and my thoughts every moment that i breath. the me i hate to love and love to hate, who i am every step i take through this world. like fuz said at jason's house yesterday, yes perception does play a cardinal role in each of our lives. is the glass half-empty or is it half-full? there are problems and of course there are solutions, which one captures our gaze?

beneath the facade, away from the public gaze and deep down underneath it all is where the game is truly being played. the inner game. the constant struggle against the self, the sum of all fears rational or otherwise, more so the latter. at this level it doesn't take most too long to see that we are simply shadow boxing too much of the time. hurdles? yes they're plenty, especially those we put in our own way. one thing joseph said comes to mind, of how obstacles are the frightful things we see when we lose sight of our goals.

trying to consolidate the trains of thought heading in a dozen different directions and a bother it sure is. analysis paralysis perhaps? slowly it's coming together, everything everyone's said to me, all the bits and pieces fitting together to construe this truly magnificent collage, an exquisite sight to behold though in my head it's all smiling faces and pearls of wisdom strung together for
me to wear and constantly monitor and remind myself.

10-90 rule as jarod says. always remember what you want, FUCKING important pat concurs. don't ever forget the things you need to do and the person you need to become in order to get what you want, marc's never led me astray. there's no use saying sorry, just do that which needs to be done, on time, no excuses, as draconian as it seems, fuz you are absolutely right that all the compromises i make tend towards being fucking absolute rubbish. jimmy will always be asking where the action is, and i'm starting to question myself too. daddy's results oriented and that is of course good to balance out the idealistic gobbledygook. too much to put everything down here. i can't help but distil all of this into such an ineffable feeling. a desire, fire in the belly, drive, absolute hunger. a feeling mine and mine alone. of all i have to give in order to get all that i want in life.

the wavering conviction and uncertainty all came about simply because of an abject lack of focus and a refusal to face up to that which was truly important, throwing myself instead rather blindly into the unimportant urgent stuff. but it's all relative and yes it is never an easy task to delineate what's important and what's not, going for broke on some and sadly having to neglect others. regroup, reorganize, refocus, chiong sua time dudes. lose one battle too many and you lose the war. many battles to fight and it will be no mean feat trying to win the war on more than one front. hey, who ever said it was gonna be just another stroll in the park?

but out of my head and back in the real world, the xmas eve feast back at hq was shizzlatin' man, if you know what i'm sayin'! turkey turkey beef beef logcake logcake and more. cow, over the moon, MOO. haha dumb drinking games too. thanks loads mr jeffrey, we owe you big time.

sometimes things are just so nebulous. sometimes you want the answers so very much, but in the end you realise you don't need them. sometimes the answers just dispel the magic and make it too mundane. sometimes it's better to realise the answers for yourself and grow through it all. sometimes it's good to throw the nebulous issues into the cupboard and close the cupboard door, and of course to nail it up too. then you can fully enjoy xmas eve with the pals, not to mention xmas night with underaged kiddos getting the fix of alcohol and magic air. justinian you are one precocious lad who sees far beyond your 16 years, and senior citizen zhaf had a thing or two to learn from you, RESPECT. chuan feng you dig centrepoint vanilla icecream eh? stuff to remember bout 2004 before it goes with a really big bang!

perception. the inner game. flakes that really don't deserve your attention, not until they grow up at least, or maybe melt lol. time to don the cufflinks. game face up, lets go. its a full moon tonight and i've gotta hang at my cosy neighbourhood overhead bridge...

belated xmas to one and all, enjoy 2004 while it lasts.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:03 am

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004:

*sniff*

there's this special someone. i've shared much with that special someone. we sometimes play games with each other. i'm not quite sure who's more skilled at playing these games. it's really surprising though how sometimes we seem to take each other almost for granted, or then again are we just laid-back? nevertheless this person is extremely special to me because we've shared a ton of shit and crap together, and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives perhaps?

WELCOME BACK CHER WEIMING! argh i owe you 374usd. party on bro, new year and beyond. fucking fantastic to have you back.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:44 pm

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Friday, December 17, 2004:

crescendo

justin books out today. WELCOME BACK TO CIVILIAN LIFE MOFO! aight homey.

the long and arduous walk after work from clarke quay all the friggin' way to suntec elicited some fond memories, prom and otherwise. walking all the way there only to end up taking 70 home for once. O_o. definitely a more scenic route home than 147. not that i walked all the way to suntec just to take that bus home...

the worn-out, bonked-out, ought-to-be-out-of-commission ericsson i'm using is starting to be rather problematic, to state it mildly. time to get a sweet, sleek, smokin new phone that's worthy of yours truly ;)

time can do quite abit. it's only now that what howard and nik said to me on thurs night is really seeping into the neocortex. compartmentalize, lean back and chill, for my all our sakes, both at the workplace and outside.

december's starting to come to a close, and so is 2004. pretty rushed and hectic year. started the year on a pretty flat note, what with the a levels and all that jazz. was rather insane trying to fit in bball during the alvl month too, ABBB was rather deserved i suppose. oh well, retake during ns, add a subject and go for 5As, then we'll wrap it up with business ventures and corporate recommendations and we'll have a shizzle-me-dizzle and dazzle-ma-fizzle outfit to send to wharton and elsewhere. they'll be begging me to come ;) AIGHT. (not to mention portfolio pictures from business trips to my beloved JAPAN and MALAYSIA and of course, NEW YORK NEW YORK! and the receipt for the car - paid in CASH baby! and the hugo boss suit and violent pointy shoes and paragon-acquired-bling)
but yeah slowed down the school engine once the london As ended, apart from beloved bball of course, rev up the clubbin and hanging with my main man red cheang! yeah and two-way dissing with the teachers and admin too.
post bday and things REALLY started heating up with all the hanging at holland v and stuff. ABSOLUTE lack of academia and errant disregard for anything remotely schoolish. zouk on friday and saturday, week after week, then supafly on thurs. wed thurs fri sat we be rockin now. stir in a hefty dose of cher weiming, tan howard, justin chan, red cheang and other really important ingredients which though terribly delectable simply paled in comparison to the main dish of the year - a trip down to THE PLACE!

tumultous beginnings. facing up to reality. challenging the status quo. bitchslapped like a bolt from the blue the ball started rolling and it aint losing any momentum soon...

thank you fuz. thank you so very much abang im. marc, you'll always be boss haha. alpha chapter's the shit man. it's been helluva journey, an odyssey of course. mates like you all are fantastic brothers on the stormy seas of life. howard tan, welcome aboard. yp... wtf are you waiting for?

and i'm still looking for shipmates ;)
anyway mr ryan patrick lee's course on achieving dreams later on. rock on.
(sorry BABE you're not quite part of the dream yet. you could try appealing to be included, no guarantees though HAH)
think the year's gonna end with a BIG BANG, which obviously leads to the creation of a whole new universe next year.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:33 am

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004:

teetering

i've a client to see at noon and another 2pm but i don't know what the hell i'm doing typing this but shoot man, shoot. haha.

mom earlier gave me a runthrough of her old class back from njc. some big-wigs, or spouses of bigwigs. leehsienyang's wife, george yeo's wife (their daughter used to be my classmate), some managing directors, some woman who whams the hammer at auctions, ad infinitum. interesting indeed. so what will so3d and the rest of rj turn out 10+,20+,30+ years down the road? for myself at least i know who i am, and where i want to be, where i will be, that gives me a great deal of calm when facing the future, where many see a great deal of uncertainty and either wonder "what comes next" or resort to "going with the flow". either proposition i believe shortchanges ourselves when applied to the grander scheme of things, if we do have a grander scheme of things planned out for ourselves.

that aside, zouk yest night was like, WHOA. after my batchmates either i) ran out of money or ii) couldn't muster the effort to leave the house, i decided to fcuk-it and just take the long shot. hung mostly with tziyang and his motley crew and victoria/eugene. i must say tziyang, lennard and sijie are an impeccably interesting bunch. hmm that doesn't make much sense really but if it alliterates so what right? crazy mofos will be crazy mofos like us 4 bastards. haha we dance with guys, like we dance with guys right dudes? LOL.

closing closing. always be closing they laojiaos always say. no time to lose. get things up and running and give myself breathing space to make the trip to ocs and beyond? hmm.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 6:30 pm

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Monday, December 13, 2004:

getting there, getting there

far too much going through my head now. just musing that perhaps it's just like the advice i dispense to many, only when you are truly prepared for it will something come to you, will it allow you to keep it. talking to jem and fuz yesterday over dinner at juliet was good, true indeed what they said, i'm probably not doing the wrong things, but i'm not doing the right things either, not yet anyway. as always i will work towards being that person worthy of having more, understanding more, wielding more, appreciating more, the person that much more wealthy.

on a side note i brought my topman suit home finally. at long last i managed to see myself in the full get-up, suit with accompanying trench coat. the realisation of a vision, years in the making. yet again it reminds me of the value of patience. it did come to pass eventually, though letting the image slip from my mind too often probably delayed its attainment. how absolutely vital for me to keep my vision of the future in mind, who i want to be, whom i want to be with, all i will come to possess both tangible or otherwise, that which i will give away willingly, the power i will wield and most importantly the control over this power and myself.

power is nothing without control. power is harnessed through control.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 5:10 pm

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Thursday, December 09, 2004:

phasing

before the intensity of the emotions and the vividness of its images diminish i'll put these thoughts down on paper. pardon me if they seem stale, after all prom happened 4 days ago.

was reading jack's blog and his entry really struck a chord. prom really did mark the end of 6 years of bondage to raffles. so yeah i quit rj like eons before prom. yet it left an indelible mark on me, has permeated me on the surface and down under too (no i've never been to aussie dammit). looking at it from a big pic perspective, like yeah didn't quite get the chance to take the pics i wanted, all because i left daddy's cam in the friggin room. then so3d lost the room key, BRILLIANT! do be darlings and send me photos if you took them with me, appreciate it dudes. caught up with peeps i haven't seen in an eternity and a half, constantly confronted with "eh did you crash?". anyway story of my life, never really been taking that photos, because somehow either the milieu conspired against me or i just apathised or whatever. for now will rely on the still frames in my mind.

BACKTRACK. i still remember the fab 4 of us from 1st 3 months. me, hongyi, vincent and david. haha absolute rubbishy jokers. david was the first to leave the fold, so the 3 survivors became the 3 stooges. david tried to get vince out of so3 and i pulled antagonistically of course. but somehow without david, things weren't as rosy. how could they be? fabric that bound us together? ah fugnuts. then hongyi left for vj after 1st 3 months, that really peeved me to no end. and then... vince happily left for 3n and got into the softballer routine. survivor - me. and yes if you all want to know why i started ponning lectures absolutely, it wasn't because i thought i was a genius of sorts, but rather because it simply wasn't as fun anymore. sleeping in the library or the sickbay bed seemed like a much better alternative. haha and that's how zhaf the lecture-kengster got started.

on a side note it almost seems as though vince turned on me. whether that's just imagined or real i don't really know. don't wanna keep it under the carpet though, gonna rot and stink after awhile under there, when will things straighten out?
1st 3 months with all the mollycoddling in lectures, pool jaunts to meridien with alwyn and vince and david and sometimes hongyi, the melodrama of chiobu-spotting, teacher-whamming and teaching david some chem. yeah man. whatever happened to the fab 4? disjointed and disbanded by the evil forces of apathy, physical distance and stupid l1r5-forcing-ppl-to-change-jcs, what does the future have in store for them?

back to prom. more important was what happened before and after prom now that i think about it. catching up with so many people, with far too little time to do so. well things didn't work out as smoothly as i wanted them to, but yea no matter. it was extremely poignant talking to jinyi, and i appreciate that you allowed me to take a walk through the sacred gardens of your mind. kenneth, gabriel, ogmates, huiling, abin, ri4k dudes. everyone really. you balanced out what would have possibly been shit.
games games games we just keep on playing games. drive each other crazy eh?
oh and if you're reading this, and i'm pretty sure you will, sooner or later - at prom... you looked pretty pretty my pretty ;) never did get the chance to say it to you.

sugar sugar so fly... signing out.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 12:17 am

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Friday, December 03, 2004:

regulating discordance

it was a clear black night, a clear white moon
warren g was on the streets, trying to consume
some skirts for the eve, so i can get some funk (AIGHT DUDES)
just rollin in my ride, chillin all alone

warren g feat. nate dogg - regulate

the music's definitely a fantastic mental and emotional stabilizer. rnb, chilled, sublime. it's going absolutely crazy in here now, things popping out from here and there, unexpectedly. the overload's largely my fault too for leaving too many things hanging and delaying closing. must always remember to keep it rational. commitments shouldered prematurely? well that's still a relative thing. one thing's for sure niggas, the war will be won, or lost, within.

as always. hoping for the best, but not counting on it, expecting nothing from nobody. but always expecting the best from myself. temperance, control and mindfulness. less of that brashness and mindlessness.

well some ladies don't deserve to be hustled. excuse? unnecessary mercy? but yes there's something about you, or something about me. but yes you started it. yes i can most definitely close the deal. whether it will happen is another thing altogether. challenge and enjoyment's going up another notch, how i relish it ;)

pisang (banana) prata at al-ameen is like, WHOA. try it. viveka's an interesting dude too.

where work's concerned the more i see how swiftly terence "tokkok" tham is progressing, the more i realise just lagging so much.

so many things. too many worries, too little action. too little problem-solving, too much rumination. it's time to re-examine my goals and belief level. the size of your action is determined by the size of your belief after all.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:03 pm

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